I haven’t posted on this blog for three whole months now. Probably because I lost any sense of what this blog is FOR. Partly also because I have just been enjoying other aspects of my life.
One of the reasons that I started this blog in the first place was that I was a little lost, in relation to finding out my ovaries didn’t work, but also due to other life stuff. Back then I was yearning to hear a story similar to mine, of someone who had found out that they were subfertile/infertile and therefore apparently going to miss out on life’s biggest joys (according to some, or many) but also not completely heartbroken at the thought of not being a mother, but at the same time not really sure what her life was about, or going to be about. All of that is a lot to think about. There was more of course; worry that my lovely husband was hiding/suppressing disappointment about not being a parent, concerns about my general health and lifespan (if your ovaries stop pumping out oestrogens then all your other body systems go to rot, supposedly), and many other concerns and confusions and sometimes downright irrational thoughts that stopped me really enjoying life. Although I’ve since read many first hand accounts from sufferers of ovarian insufficiency, none of them articulated the mental place that I was in or the exact concerns that I wanted addressed. One of those was ‘if you find out that attempting parenthood will mean a significant amount of effort, money and emotional fortitude on you and your partners part, then does it make sense to forgo that life decision, and will you still make yourselves a life filled with meaning and pure joy and much more besides?’.
Rationally, I knew that the answer to that question was YES. But two years ago I really wanted to hear from someone who had lived through that question and demonstrated the happy ending. The happy ending that doesn’t end with ‘and then I got my miracle baby!’.
So, I think that I will keep adding to this blog every now and then. I no longer really need the blog for pondering the science behind ovarian insufficiency, or as an emotional or creative outlet. I have lived through tough times filled with doubts about my life but now I’m firmly on the other side of all that. I love my life, and I’m grateful for all of the pleasures and interests that I’m able to pursue, and yes! the benefits that come with being a child free couple. So, I’ll stop by and update this blog in case it can help anyone in a similar situation. Do I still hear of friend’s pregnancies and get a little twinge of jealousy? Yup, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It is fine to be happily child free and also to be disappointed that parenthood is not an opportunity that will come easily to me/us. It is fine to be a complex person. Do I still have moments when I don’t know what my life is about? or what drives me? Of course. But then I remind myself that this is just part of being human and as long as I’m taking measures to ensure that I’m enjoying any opportunities that come along and shrugging my shoulders at those that don’t, then what more can I really do? ‘You just do what you can do’ has kind of become my new motto.
Does this sound like an awesome life? I’m aware that my life might not sound awesome to some. I’m aware that ‘feeling a little jealous about other’s babies’ while proudly proclaiming to be loving my child free life could raise the odd eyebrow and make me appear conflicted or in denial or some other such rubbish. On the other hand, I feel a little sanctimonious when I say it, but my life is fucking great compared to many people’s. Two years ago I would tell myself that we were very very rich and privileged and had a huge amount of security and stability compared to millions of people worldwide. It’s certainly true. I listen to the news. But that was not enough at the time to make me grateful for what I had or to stop me worrying about the things that I don’t have. But slowly and surely I improved the way I looked at my surroundings and by now I have found my gratitude and it is brilliant.
That’s enough waffle from me. Pictures sometimes say it better than words. The pictures below were taken on one of our local bush walks. I’ve enjoyed ‘nature’ for always. I’m going to sound preachy again but I love how being out in the uncivilised wilderness* takes you out of yourself. It’s also just beautiful, and a life without beauty and wonder and sunshine just isn’t worth living. Maybe rather than nature and biological wonders it’s astronomy, or great works of art, or gourmet travels or writing your own computer programs or yup, playing with your kids, that makes your life worth living. Whatever it is, make sure to get a regular dose.
*Not really wilderness, and not very far from civilisation we were just two hours from home and a nice hot shower 🙂