Everything is awesome

I haven’t posted on this blog for three whole months now. Probably because I lost any sense of what this blog is FOR. Partly also because I have just been enjoying other aspects of my life.
One of the reasons that I started this blog in the first place was that I was a little lost, in relation to finding out my ovaries didn’t work, but also due to other life stuff. Back then I was yearning to hear a story similar to mine, of someone who had found out that they were subfertile/infertile and therefore apparently going to miss out on life’s biggest joys (according to some, or many) but also not completely heartbroken at the thought of not being a mother, but at the same time not really sure what her life was about, or going to be about. All of that is a lot to think about. There was more of course; worry that my lovely husband was hiding/suppressing disappointment about not being a parent, concerns about my general health and lifespan (if your ovaries stop pumping out oestrogens then all your other body systems go to rot, supposedly), and many other concerns and confusions and sometimes downright irrational thoughts that stopped me really enjoying life. Although I’ve since read many first hand accounts from sufferers of ovarian insufficiency, none of them articulated the mental place that I was in or the exact concerns that I wanted addressed. One of those was ‘if you find out that attempting parenthood will mean a significant amount of effort, money and emotional fortitude on you and your partners part, then does it make sense to forgo that life decision, and will you still make yourselves a life filled with meaning and pure joy and much more besides?’.

Rationally, I knew that the answer to that question was YES. But two years ago I really wanted to hear from someone who had lived through that question and demonstrated the happy ending. The happy ending that doesn’t end with ‘and then I got my miracle baby!’.

So, I think that I will keep adding to this blog every now and then. I no longer really need the blog for pondering the science behind ovarian insufficiency, or as an emotional or creative outlet. I have lived through tough times filled with doubts about my life but now I’m firmly on the other side of all that. I love my life, and I’m grateful for all of the pleasures and interests that I’m able to pursue, and yes! the benefits that come with being a child free couple. So, I’ll stop by and update this blog in case it can help anyone in a similar situation. Do I still hear of friend’s pregnancies and get a little twinge of jealousy? Yup, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It is fine to be happily child free and also to be disappointed that parenthood is not an opportunity that will come easily to me/us. It is fine to be a complex person. Do I still have moments when I don’t know what my life is about? or what drives me? Of course. But then I remind myself that this is just part of being human and as long as I’m taking measures to ensure that I’m enjoying any opportunities that come along and shrugging my shoulders at those that don’t, then what more can I really do? ‘You just do what you can do’ has kind of become my new motto.

Does this sound like an awesome life? I’m aware that my life might not sound awesome to some. I’m aware that ‘feeling a little jealous about other’s babies’ while proudly proclaiming to be loving my child free life could raise the odd eyebrow and make me appear conflicted or in denial or some other such rubbish. On the other hand, I feel a little sanctimonious when I say it, but my life is fucking great compared to many people’s. Two years ago I would tell myself that we were very very rich and privileged and had a huge amount of security and stability compared to millions of people worldwide. It’s certainly true. I listen to the news. But that was not enough at the time to make me grateful for what I had or to stop me worrying about the things that I don’t have. But slowly and surely I improved the way I looked at my surroundings and by now I have found my gratitude and it is brilliant.

That’s enough waffle from me. Pictures sometimes say it better than words. The pictures below were taken on one of our local bush walks. I’ve enjoyed ‘nature’ for always. I’m going to sound preachy again but I love how being out in the uncivilised wilderness* takes you out of yourself. It’s also just beautiful, and a life without beauty and wonder and sunshine just isn’t worth living. Maybe rather than nature and biological wonders it’s astronomy, or great works of art, or gourmet travels or writing your own computer programs or yup, playing with your kids, that makes your life worth living. Whatever it is, make sure to get a regular dose.

granite tors1

grevillea moss

 

*Not really wilderness, and not very far from civilisation we were just two hours from home and a nice hot shower 🙂

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6 thoughts on “Everything is awesome

      1. Aww, I always think I properly “know” people I’ve “met” online! 😂
        I actually made a cake last weekend for the first time in ages so will post it on the next update! X

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  1. Good for you!
    It’s been 4 years since we came to the decision to not pursue having kids. Yes there were options but the mental anguish and money didn’t seem worth it .
    Like you I craved a happy ending that didn’t include, “after 5 years and 3 miscarriages we got our miracle!”
    Like you I get the twinges of envy and sometimes worry about the lack of child but I liken it to when my friends buy larger homes. Yes I want that entertainment space and kitchen but I don’t want to do the sheer volume of work anymore. I love what I have. This has stemmed the self loathing and angst that used to follow baby announcements.
    My happy ending: I’m now in a job I love (that I would have avoided if I had kids), we’re nearly debt free and paying down our mortgage, my relationship with my husband is fantastic, he’s taking some exciting career opportunities, and we’re happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi,
    I’ve found my way to your site from The Infertile Chemist. Thank you for posting so much information and offering your critical analysis of the data that’s available (and pointing out what’s lacking). I’ve really appreciated your and her take on these issues. I have a similar diagnosis to yours and I wonder if you would mind emailing me so I can ask a couple of technical questions.

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  3. Hi k, thanks for the compliments! The whole reason I started this blog was that I couldn’t find something similar in terms of a patient perspective that also tackled some of the technical stuff. Could I encourage you to ask the questions here so that others could possibly benefit too? I believe in talking openly about these things. Although I don’t use my real name for the blog, everyone in my private life and in fact anyone who asks are welcome to know of my predicament.

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